Mad Mike's Proposed Cabinet


These are the people I intend to invite to be members of my cabinet upon election. Their appearance here does not constitute endorsement of my campaign or even necessarily the knowledge that they're being considered for nomination. You can expect to see regular endorsements, deletions and additions as the weeks progress.

Nominated for:

About the Candidate

Minster of Propaganda

Patrick Richardson

Patrick Richardson is a rightwing hack who works deep within the bowels of the MSM ferreting out all their secrets while attempting to out them for the communist twits they really are. A hemorrhoid on the arse of the MSM, Richardson is looking for the most egregious violators of journalistic ethics (yes there really is such a thing) so he knows who to stand against the wall when the revolution comes. "Brian Ross, I'm looking at YOU."

Minister of Labor

Some of you may be aware that Eric Flint is a Trotskyite. I don't agree with much of his philosophy. Nevertheless, he has a master's degree in history, years of experience as a union organizer, and if I want to know what Labor is thinking, this is the man to tell me. A smart leader consults with people who disagree with him. Yes men are a hindrance.

Minister of Exotic Deaths

Mike Kabongo

(Photo withheld for Reasons of World Security.)

As Minister of Assisted Darwinism, Mike's job is to help the world back to a better balance by weeding out those who should not grace it with their existence for reasons other than stupidity. He will do this in a fashion that serves as an entertaining object lesson, and as a revenue generator on pay per view. His Ministry is nicknamed "Chainsaws and Cluebats" for a reason.

Mike will be tasked with dealing with such ilk as child molesters, reality show producers, homicidal emo kids, Wahhabis, terrorists and abusers. If you think his skin is black, you should see his soul.

Minister of Chippers

Nathan Balyeat served as an enlisted Marine where he learned the joys and skills necessary for crushing lesser men in combat and on the rugby field. He has little patience for fools and even less for the willfully ignorant. Currently in the civilian sector, educated as an historian and earning a living in information technology and management consulting, he awaits the day where he can apply all of his myriad skills to efficiently winnowing the gene pool of the terminally stupid as the Minister of Logchippers.

Minister of Economic Development

Nursultan Nazarbayev

Nursultan Nazarbayev is the President of Kazakhstan. He has led them to pay off their post-Soviet IMF debt 7 years early, is promoting a growth of 9% per year, has built a stunningly gorgeous new capital, promoted recovery of part of the Aral Sea (destroyed by Communist economics), is developing their energy industry in oil and uranium and has presided over a reduction in income tax to a flat 10%.

I want to see what he can do with the world.

Minister of Offense

Tom Kratman

Tom Kratman is my choice for Minister of Offense. Because there is no better defense, and the Colonel (retired) is just slightly to the right of Genghis Khan. Mercy is an interesting concept -- a concept foreign to him, but intriguing in a distant, sort of academic way. Should my Administration need to fight, be assured it will be bloody, brutal, overwhelming and horrific, the way war should be.

Ministrix of Internal Security

Nicki Fellenzer

Yes, we all know that's a polite euphemism for Palace Torturer. Nicki Fellenzer insists on rusty forks and hydrochloric acid. It's rare to find such dedication in an artist these days. Traitors can resist, but she'll enjoy it.

Minister of Education

Bill Kephart is an academic philosopher, noted recluse, and all around hateful man. His first task as Minister of Education will be rounding up all the politically correct teachers, administrators, and students for the logchipper. After that he will build a merit based practical school system from the ground up.

Minister of the Environment

Harry Paget Flashman

Mr. Harry Paget Flashman pledges to drill for oil in the ANWR and abandon the Alaska oil pipeline in favor of 10' deep ditch in order to increase the oil throughput. He favors repealing the ban on dynamite for fishing, a 3 day cattle hunting season in December and June for veterans, and alternatives fuels for coal fired power plants, such as railroad ties, tires and Styrofoam packing materials.

A 26 year career Naval Officer, he rose to the rank of Lieutenant and served in two wars. His exposure to Agent Orange, Sarin, nicotine, lead, alcohol, MEK, TCE, PCB's and asbestos, coupled with his littering and voiding his bowels on 5 continents and pumping bilges and low level nuclear waste in the littorals of over 75 countries gives him a unique perspective on the environment.

Minister of Health

Doctor Goatduck

Doc G's campaign is as follows:

- primary school lessons in basic hygiene, anatomy & physiology, basic stats, and nutrition. There will be an end of course pass/fail test.

- a court-supported "healthcare lemon law" that allowed for full refunds of services that were found to be faulty, up to the cost of the service, if filled within 180 days of the service.

- additional license levels of medical professionals (added to MD, PA, RN, DVM, etc) to include Quack, Literate Quack, Literal Quack, and Certified Snake Oil Salesman. This is to reduce the wear & tear on the woodchipper, as anyone who would pay money to get medicine from a Certified Snake Oil Salesman is Darwinism at its finest.

- antibiotics will be restricted to use in working or production farm animals, with strict limits on their use in persons who can not demonstrate that they brush their teeth, wash their hands after using the restroom, or cook their food completely.

- A basic health care clinic will be established in each population center of 500 or more, staffed following the Dept of Motor Vehicles model.

Minister of Art

Father David M. Willhoite is a lifetime artist who is currently working to make sure that the artistic visions of the children of soldiers are wholesome and acceptable. He knows that the axiom "give me a child until he is five, and he will be a productive, uncomplaining, and dutiful member of society" is true.

Dave is also known as "the last Freeman." His position as a pastor indicates that he can indeed tell you why The Lord wishes you to support Mad Mike, and why any inclination to fail to support Mike is clearly a sign that you are a Satan worshiper.

Dave understands that art is a gift to the people, given by the power of the benevolent, almighty state. For many years, the intelligentsia has claimed that art is dead. This is clearly a lie. Art that serves the state is alive and vibrant. Art that stands against the state is clearly evidence of perversion and ignorance.

Minister of (Involuntary) Relocation

Timothy Covington is a well traveled individual with a Bachelor’s Degree in Criminal Justice from the University of Texas at Arlington. This involved in training in political science, history, the US and foreign legal systems, security and incarceration. As the Minister of (involuntary) Relocations he will hold people at their word. If they promise to leave the country because of an election outcome, they will leave. However, he is not without compassion. He will let them choose the country they want to be deported to. If the country will not accept them. They will be dropped in the ocean at the nearest point to the country while remaining in international waters.

M/i/n/i/s/t/e/r/ Czar of Consumer Product Safety

Willard P. Dunbar III

I submit my candidacy for the post of Product Safety Czar. This office will administer the evaluation all alchoholic beverages for quality and effectiveness, the field testing all consumer products for flammability, structural integrity under extreme conditions and combat readiness, and the licensing of all authors of help systems, instruction manuals and videos of same. To be licensed, a technical writer must submit a sample document that accomplishes the following:

A) Guides the reader correctly through the assembly, maintenance and operation of a log chipper (state approved models currently in use) in a clear and straightforward manner, demonstrating practical experience with powered equipment and property management/upkeep.

B) Is both humorous and politically informative to read, demonstrating skill in the proper usage of the official language of state and a knowledge of the joys of a moron-free society.

C) Details career plans that do not revolve around dependency on a product design industry oriented to assisting morons in surviving their mistakes.

A document capable of moron conversion to useful citizen status will qualify the author to write fiction as well, raising them to the rank of Deputized Public Safety Inspector. If it ever happens. This is not to be confused with proper basic education, but might relieve crowding in the chipper detainment facilities by a percentage of conversions.

This office will also be responsible for identifying and locating all product liability lawyers for "utility" trials and evaluating which side of any product safety claim meets the criteria for moron chipping. Businesses found guilty of moronic behavior endangering the state (i.e. practices that open government agencies to liability), or catering to moron clientele in violation of state security measures will also undergo "utility testing". And chipping.

Minister of External Security

C. Blake Powers is a simple writer and photographer (photographic internship, Playboy) who's intentions are good and hopes not to be misunderstood. He has no idea how the CIA coffee mug that freaked out the journalism department uber lib got there (or where it came from); nor does he know who it was that walked through the Kremlin gates whistling the theme from "Patton"; or anything about technical capabilities or the internet. He was and is damn proud that his master's thesis may have been the only one in the history of the department to quote Sun Tzu and Basil Liddell-Hart (among others). For a few drinks, he may tell you how he knows first hand that Iran is and has been meddling in Iraq; well, to be honest, for free drinks he will tell you many things, some of which may be true. He loved the reaction of the navy intel team to his panel "Spying on the Soviets" at DragonCon a few years back, and hope they actually learned something.

Minister of Sabotage

Wonko D. Sane

As the years have worn on, it has become obvious that the Congress has overcome the impedimenta put in place by the founders of the country to slow down the creation of frivolous laws contrary to liberty and personal responsibility.

Rights and liberties threatened by the bleeding hearts' Cause of the Week find their champions in the Bureau of Sabotage and its Minister, Wonk D. Sane.

Mentored by the incomparable McKie and Retief, he applies disciplined troubleshooting techniques to acts of necessary chaos, by shooting them.

Did a Kennedy's car fail to start this morning? Was there too much salt in Pelosi's oatmeal? Were four thousand rubber duckies found in Congresscritters' innermost chambers?

Who was responsible?

It may not have been Minister Sane, but they will always wonder. And fear.

Ministrix of Insanity and Batshittery

Erin Palette

That's a euphemism for Court Jester. When insanity is needed to defuse a situation, Erin will be there with a My Little Pony Keg and some Doritos. With a Mosin Nagant for backup.