Know the Stupid!

Behold the Chipper List!

Example

Mike's Comment

Rachel at Cardholder Services

Along with 50,000 discarded credit cards.

Morons who keep Rachel at Cardholder Services in business

Everyone else in line gets one punch at each of them.

Fred Phelps

Who will be tossed in by two gay Hare Krishnas.

Anyone who posts to Democratic Underground

This needs no explanation.

Anyone who posts to Daily Koz.

Nor this.

Human Rights Watch, Amnesty International, Code Pink and similar groups.

I'll show them what REAL repression actually looks like. In light of their hysteria over nothing, I expect them to die of shock before actually reaching the front of the line.

People who smoke in a non-smoking establishment.

Unless someone chokes you to death on the spot ... which will be legal.

Smokers who whine that under the ADA they're disabled and must be allowed to smoke.

For egregiously insulting people with ACTUAL disabilities.

The Nation

For wasting all that perfectly good toilet paper by printing leftist BS on it.

WorldNetDaily

They may not use paper, but they kill a lot of electrons so Farrah can spew his pseudo-plagiaristic bigotry.

Seen in an online forum:
"Forget about a Mosin Nagant.....
"gllobal warming is here and a rifle made in ancient times in northern Russia, will not work properly in a warm climate...........It gets colder in Russia than it does in Alaska."

Aside from the questionability of global warming, anyone who uses firearms often should know a temperature shift like that won't have any significant effect, and certainly not on a hand-carved, slack-toleranced, peasant-grade military rifle like the Mosin-Nagant.

And which part of Russia gets colder than which part of Alaska?

The DNC

Wow! The elections were rigged!!!! Until they won. Now it's okay. Right.

Al Gore

Powerpoint presentations don't get an Oscar, an Oscar isn't a scientific award, and self-aggrandizing politics don't deserve a Nobel while were at it.

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences

First it was Fat Bastard, now it's Goreon. You're either stupid or corrupt. Either way, get in the chipper.

Hitlery Klinton

A socialist who wants to nationalize the oil companies…a nationalist…a socialist…a national socialist…or as they were called not so long ago, "Nazis."

Michael "Fat Bastard" Moore

Improving America by lying about soldiers, shitting on professional integrity, and outsourcing his production to Canada. I notice they won't let you live there, either. You're first, lardass. We've got to lubricate the blades.

The Nobel Peace Prize Committee

First Gore and Carter, then ... 0bama?

The residents of Washington D.C.

This is what happens when Congress has complete control of a society. Take that as a warning.

Tom Tancredo

And we'll point the chipper nozzle into Mexico. There's a fine line between national solidarity, and obsessive bigotry.

Residents of Kalifornika

I don't think I need to say anything.

Massholes

Video games and traffic counters are "terrorist bombs," they have the best health care and minimum wage, and $2000/mo efficiency apartments, and now they're moving out to NH and VT with the intent of making them more like the toilet they just left. . .nice try.

Residents of Shicago

It's not called "The Mistake on the Lake" for nothing. Daley can lead his people from the front.

V!@gra spammers

Right after they get breast enhancement, X/\nax, and an intra-anal r0lex by that donkey they seem to love so much.

All other spammers

Just say, "aaaaaaaaaaaaaGGGHHHHHHCRUNCH!"

The Baldwins

You promised to move to France if we voted for Bush. . .liars.

Will Ferrell

Is there a less talented sheet of pine lumber in Hollywood?

Pauly Shore

Pardon me, I must throw up after just TYPING that name.

Casting agents who cast Will Ferrell or Pauly Shore

Because ultimately, it's their fault.

Critics who say nice things about Will Ferrell or Pauly Shore

Sycophancy is the last resort of the incompetent.

Scientologists

We'll just tell them it's the airlock to a Xenu ship.

Terrorists

Blowing up buses with children on doesn't make you "Brave." Go find some soldiers, you pussies.

Creationists

No, not all of them. Just those who believe their particular dysfunction is the "truth" for the rest of us.

Human global warming alarmists

If you have an electric dryer, an SUV, don't take the bus to work or wear artificial fabrics, you have nothing to say. . .but I do: jump or be pushed.

The French

Because the world is overcrowded, and we're starting with those who won't fight back.

The staff of the NYT
AND
The staff of the Washington Post

Try getting your facts right for once. On second thought, you've had enough chances.

Wahabbis

See "terrorists." No, there are no exceptions.

Child molesters

If you feel the urge to do something like this, you should already have killed yourself in horror.

The staff of the Brady Campaign (How ironic)

No, it's not about the guns. BWUAHAHAAHAHAA!

PETA (Ditto)

Unless, of course, YOU volunteer for all those lab tests. . .

The Voluntary Human Extinction Movement

Because they're hypocrites if they don't volunteer.

The Law Enforcement Officers of Florida

Plastic pellets and a slingshot are a "deadly weapon" because they leave welts? And how the #@!$ can one "resist arrest without violence"? Did they ask you not to and leave you unfulfilled in your job?

The politicians of the State of Illinois

Shicago may be the Mistake on the Lake. . .but you didn't have to share the shit with everyone else.

Any school administrators who promote a zero tolerance policy

Because I'm sure they have knives in the teachers' lounge.

Arabs, except Kuwaitis, Bahrainis and Kurds

They were savages during the time of Xenophon, and they've never shown any tendency to want to improve.

The voters of Florida

You're never going to get it right, so we're going to fix the problem from our end. You asked for it.

Any Neolib who uses the term "Neocon"

Because they've obviously abandoned logic for dogma.

Anyone who invokes Karl Rove

And I'll even let him run that chipper himself. After all, he's heading this conspiracy.

Anyone who claims the WTC was attacked by USAF missiles, or planted explosives, or a particle-beam-laser, or a specially armed Predator drone, etc

Alternately, however, any USAF vet, or physicist or engineer will be allowed to beat them to death with a piece of rebar.

Anyone who invokes a "Jewish Conspiracy"

Because, obviously, the Jews picked repression, pogroms, and Holocausts, given a choice.

Anyone proposing a constitutional ban on gay marriage

Against gay marriages? Don’t have one.

Dennis Kucinich

Why is this man still alive? Why is he still talking?

Followers of Dennis Kucinich

I know, it's only six mouth-breathing hippie dropouts, but every bit helps.

Anyone who claims that "only Christians have a moral compass"

85% of convicted felons claim to be Christian. Didn't seem to have worked for them, did it? Now, count the agnostics, atheists, Buddhists and Hindus in jail. . .

People in trucks or SUVs who slow down to 2 mph for a crack in the road

You don't need that vehicle, and you're endangering others. Size does not equal right of way.

People who text while driving.

Alternately, they will be placed in the middle of six lanes of texting drivers

Repeat drunk drivers

Once is stupid. Twice is negligence. Three times indicates you don't learn, either.

The staff and ambassadors of the United Nations

West Bumfuk gets equal representation with The US, UK and China? What crack are you smoking? Who cares what some tin-plated twelfth rater like Mugabe thinks? The mayor of Resume Speed, Iowa has more credibility. And we can create our own corruption, thanks.

John McCain

Free speech ESPECIALLY applies to elections there, Johnboy.

The population of Nigeria

End the scams. Take the oil.

Anyone who refers to parents as "Breeders."

Where the @#$& do you think you came from, luser? Just &$*#ing kill yourself right now and stop wasting resources.

Ray Nagin

Racism works both ways, and corruption and dishonesty know no boundaries.

Greenpeace

That tub was called the "Rainbow Warrior" because of the oil slick it left due to poor maintenance by those luddite scumbags.

Friends of the Earth

And enemies of man.

Britney Spears

This should be obvious. If it's not, please follow your idol into the spinning shininess.

Any American Idol contestant who tells Simon and Randy they don't know what they're talking about

Simon makes $36 million a year developing talent, and Randy's done A&R and performed with hundreds of the biggest names in the industry. And you've…washed dishes at Denny's. Enough said.

Anyone Not Smarter Than A Fifth Grader

Jeff Foxworthy can have the chipper for use on the show.

The Fox Network Executives, except those in charge of Bones, House and The Simpsons

I expect we'll see an immediate 1000% increase in product and ratings.

Anyone who invokes a "right to feel safe"

I have the same right, and I don't feel safe with morons alive. So nyaah.

Anyone who invokes "the children"

Either worry about your own, or have some to worry about. Mine are my problem.

Anyone who refers to "Activist judges" just because they don't like the decision.

Again, the example is self-evident.

Anyone who believes an "elitist" conspiracy exists to deprive all of us of our rights

Which is worldwide and unified, but somehow is acting piecemeal and hither, rather than having just done the job and been finished.

Anyone who says, "Violence never settles anything."

They can ponder the stupidity of that position while screaming and dying in a violent red slush.

Al Franken and Rush Limbaugh—in fact, all of Squawk Radio

Noise pollution is still pollution.

Any celebrity who opens their fat yap about politics, science, or anything else.

Like we need to hear their opinions on subjects they dropped out of in third grade because it made their brains hurt.

Any female who votes for Teddy Kennedy because of his position on women's rights.

He prefers you on your knees.

Any female who speaks of women's rights who voted for Blubba Clinton.

Same reason.

Anyone who speaks of the environment who votes for Al Gore (and his gas bills and fleet of SUVS) or John Edwards (and his 28,000 square foot mansion for a family of four).

Go to dictionary.com and type in "hypocrisy".

Anyone who speaks of "Carbon credits."

Because buying an indulgence from the Pope is still prostituting yourself for sin.

Anyone who comments on Youtube after my election day.

Because they're all morons.

Usenet posters.

Yes, all of them.

Anyone using the terms, "semiautomatic assault weapon," "assault pistol," "high capacity clip," "powerful gun lobby," "gun show loophole" or similar nonsense term

Because you're vomiting agitprop, not thinking.

Noam Chomsky, Howard Zinn and all their mouth-breathing apologists.

Self-evident.

The Moral Majority

Because they are neither.

Wesley "Mumia" Cook and his fellating cheerleaders

Copkillers ain't cool.

Any leftist moron (pardon the redundancy) who calls themselves a "progressive"

There is nothing "progressive" about feudalism, even if the lord is replaced with a committee.

Anyone who slows down to 5 mph on the interstate to watch someone change a tire, or gawk at a fender bender

You know you want this. Unless you're guilty.

Anyone wearing a Che Guevara shirt

Celebrating a hypocritical, thieving commie loser by buying a shirt produced by a capitalist could be the DEFINITION of "stupid."

The loon who proposed to have Washington state secede from the US as a "Socialist Minarchy."

Is that like "Congressional Ethics"?

Libertarians who believe that guns will keep the peace after society goes away.

I have more guns. They can get in the chipper or be shot.

PEOPLE WHO TYPE IN ALL CAPS

PEOPLE WHO TYPE IN ALL CAPS WITHOUT PUNCTUATION OR ANY GRASP OF GRAMMAR AND NEVER FINISH A SENTENCE AND RUN ON AND ON UNTIL ITS OBVIOUS THEIR IDIOTS(sic)

People who vote for "change"

Because they're easily deluded suckers.

Berkeley, CA

Because even if CA is on the list, some people just need chipped twice.

Pandas.

A carnivore so lazy it attempts to subsist on grass and so stupid it can't reproduce even when shown porn. It's time to supplement natural selection.

Anyone who thinks Che Guevara was cool.

Anyone who thinks FDR was a good guy.

Adam Weinstein of Gawker

In fact, everyone associated with Gawker.

Men who tell women that for birth control they should "just keep their legs shut."

Because the men should have kept their mouths shut.